A Complicated Discussion

Today is August 5th, 2012. You can see that under the post, I'm aware. But today is approximately smack-dab in the middle of this year's Ramadan. Ramadan is the Islamic month-long holiday during which Muslims attempt to closely monitor their life choices, behavior, and mindsets via fasting, community dinners, prayer, and reading the Qur'an. An Imam (leader of prayer) once said that Ramadan creates an atmosphere or environment in which Muslims can better understand themselves, their faith, and their actions. Through this lens, it is easier to control oneself. I would liken it to a trial period for all New Years Resolutions-- except working out more, which is a little harder with no water. Even so! It's entirely possible.

I digress. I'm writing today about Ramadan because a friend recently sent me a blog post written by an Imam trying to note his personal discoveries and thoughts during the holy month, and I find it ripe for discussion. Here's the link to the article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/imam-khalid-latif/ramadan-reflection-day-14-marriage-dating-healthy-relationships_b_1733760.html

Give yourself a moment to read it and reflect. I think it's fairly accessible to those who don't practice Islam, but even so, it may help to clear some things up.

I've been asked a number of times how Muslims are supposed to meet potential life partners, if not through dating. Imam Latif touches on this concern briefly, but not in a way that is easily understood by those who don't worry about it in their own lives. By which I mean, the article seems targeted toward a primarily Muslim audience. Nothing wrong with that. As an interpretive answer, I submit that his answer (and typically mine) is that one's family will arrange with another's family for meetings. Typically, the individual considering marriage is completely aware of this, and often involved. Their preferences and choices are respected, but the family tries to establish meetings and chances to get to know the potential mate through decent and respectable meetings.

My mother looks at this process as "Yenta-ing"-- a reference to her experiences in New York with very enthusiastic Jewish mothers looking for suitable husbands for their daughters. One could also liken it to the Japanese custom of marriage interviews-- meeting up with a potential partner in a public place, talking to them about their life, hopes for family, etc, with the permission and attention of both families. I look at it as good old fashioned courtship.

With all that said, I think we can speak a little more openly about the blog itself. It's an entry regarding how Muslims today struggle with an ideal relationship within the context of a modern, diverse environment, or having come from a very conservative background. There's a tricky negotiation that lies between the two.

Some Muslims have families who are a little Islamophobic, and don't wish to promote this form of courting. Some Muslims have super-conservative Muslim families who never let them interact with the other sex. Lastly, there are, of course, all the people in between.

Imam Latif calls to attention the flaw in the two extremes. Islamophobia is the main flaw on one end-- fearing or hating Muslims simply for being Muslim isn't fair and doesn't make sense. A family should respect an individuals religious choices, and not refuse them help in establishing a happy family just because of those choices. As for never interacting with the other sex, Imam Latif thinks that some people take it a little too far. The Qur'an does not forbid interaction between youths of both sexes-- though it does warn against being alone with them. On the contrary, Islam is a religion that strives for equality.

Yes, there are lots of ways to attack that assertion, and lots of cultures that could support an offensive case that way. In light of that, I'd like to bring up Islamic laws that dictate that women have their own money and property, and that they have the right to demand a divorce if they are not treated properly by their husbands. Not everyone notices these, but these laws were in place long before customs like this were tolerated in Christian-majority countries or even the US. Not to mention voting-- which was considered acceptable for women in Islamic communities hundreds of years before it was okay in our good old USA. (Albeit, the laws for voting were a little strange at that time, as well.)

My point is that women and men are equal parts of a community, and therefore expected to interact regularly. In fact, the aim is to control behavior during these interactions, as opposed to banning them altogether.

As for decent relationships, Imam Latif only really talks about marriage. I think that a big question for Muslims who fall into the "in-between" category is what to do with feelings for a decent young man or woman at a time in one's life when you just can't marry (you don't have the money, living space, etc...). The answer is: suppress them. I personally have a lot of trouble dealing with that, but it seems to me the only answer. Or rather, you might be able to express them, but don't expect anything good to come of them.

I consider myself a romantic-- it's a little tragic, but reasonable, I suppose.

Without making excuses, I'd assert that the US is an environment overwhelmingly populated by people who date, messages that promote dating, and even an educational system that makes other ways of life seem cumbersome and illogical. I speak from experiences of teachers who give you weird looks if you say you don't think kids should date, or assignments on Romeo & Juliet that make students answer when is an appropriate age to start having romantic relationships. It's a little weird. It makes you uncomfortable. Honestly, I'll go out on a limb and say that these sorts of things are reasons why I can empathize with the gay community. When everything in the world around you tells you to be something you won't or you can't, you feel alienated and uncomfortable. It really, really sucks.

Unfortunately, I can't provide much more of an answer to those concerns than the Imam could. It's just something interesting to think about-- a means of stepping into new shoes and considering the life choices of people who aren't you.

Let me know what y'all think. It might be really interesting to follow up on this theme with some new perspectives.